Thursday, March 19, 2009

A moment of faith blockade...

There are moments in our lives where we are shook to the core by events, words, or a combination of both.

Last night, as Joseph was fixing the gap underneath the backyard door, a Roach flew in the house (yes; they fly in Texas... Ugh!) and I lost it. I mean totally lost it. There was shrieking, tears, shakes,... Not a pretty sight believe me.

My poor husband was taken aback. He exclaimed: "I don't think this is going to work out, I need to find a different job so we can move back."

Although I don't deny thinking that the occasional mouse in Utah is a lot better than roaches, I was flabbergasted. I mean here we are in Houston for only 2 months and we felt it was the right thing to do and all of a sudden this huge blockade of faith is in my way.

All I can think about is that I did not tear my kids world apart and leave all that was great and comfortable to me to be sitting here in this land full of horrible bugs and regret and doubt my decision. I can't stop sobbing. I am feeling so deeply sorry for myself, for all that was left behind. I am longing to go back even as I struggle and fight with the dimming knowledge that there IS a PURPOSE in our being here.

Emotions are running high (with the help of all the extra hormones) and there is only one thing that becomes clear: a calm head is the only thing that will prevail. So as I struggle to get my emotions under control, I asked Joseph to give me a priesthood blessing. Somehow God knows me better than I know myself. I am always amazed at that fact. The blockade is ruptured, I start feeling reassurance once again.

I KNOW there is a reason and a purpose to us being here. And though I still long to be back where we just came from, I know I need to move forward and go on.

I also need to make an appointment with the Orkin man... (He is coming Monday; I can't wait!)

Some days bring storms we don't feel prepared to face...
But with the help of a loving God and Savior, there isn't much we really can't face.

1 comment:

emily said...

Aw Maude. I'm so sorry. I don't do well with change so I sort of know how you feel, but not completely. So I can sympathize at the very least. I think about you all the time (especially at preschool drop off) and miss your whole family a lot. I hope it gets better very quickly.