Thursday, December 31, 2015

2015 is come and almost gone

It seems the only time I blog anymore is on New Year's eve! A written review of the past year is never a bad thing. If anything, it helps see the progress we've made, the struggles we've overcome and the many blessings we've received.

The year has come and already it is almost gone. It seems everything just goes at lightning speed these days. Time sure flies. I would add when you're having fun, but it flies whether you're having fun or not...

Hopes and aspirations always come with the approach of a new year. There are things we all hope to do better and resolve ourselves to try. So it is with me. I've been reflecting about this past year since a little before Thanksgiving. It's been quite the year. With its good measures of challenges and its equal amounts of blessings. As Nephi says: "there must needs be opposition in all things". I've rediscovered this truth over and over this past year. I've also learned to understand better what it means to be "an Agent unto ourselves, to be free to act and not be acted upon"...

There were hard things this year. Hard, Hard, HARD adaptations. Like going Gluten Free. That was quite the challenge.

There were good things this year. Really good things. Work success and opportunities, girl's camp, 50 milers,...

I've become more familiar with the concept that sometimes you have to walk  all the way down to the doors of hell to receive ( or maybe appreciate) a blessing.

I feel blessed. Really blessed.

Joseph and I were able to attend the Temple on a very regular basis this year. In fact, I think we attended the temple more this year than we had in the last 14 previous combined. For all things there is a time and a season. This is a season where we are able to leave our kids home once a week and do the Lord's work in the Lord's house. It has been a lifesaver, an anchor to my soul.

I have felt broken this year. The kind of broken I had never felt before. Broken in a way that you know what you are feeling is untrue and illogical, but can't help feeling that way nonetheless.

I have been blessed with understanding family, friends and doctor. I have been blessed by a Doctor who could see what was wrong before I had even contemplated the subject, who wasn't afraid to open the door and who did it in a way that wasn't going to be rejected.

"Take a deep breath and smile". That was what I kept telling myself before going into a room full of people. I didn't want anyone to know. I didn't want pity. I didn't want people to "fix" me. But mostly it was pride. Humility is a hard thing to learn. Sometimes, though, humility is your only way out.

It was sitting in the Temple on a "bad day" that the reassurance came to me that I wasn't okay, but that I was going to be. Because I am in good hands. The best hands. I have a Father in Heaven who loves and cares about me. I have a husband who loves me and would do anything for me. I have a good Doctor who cares about his patients. I have friends and family. I have good kids, REALLY GOOD KIDS.

I am a blessed woman. I am blessed because even in the depth of what seemed like Hell, there was light shining through the darkness. Because even through the hard times and despite having his own personal struggles, the man I married picked up my slack. He did what I was unable to do. And not one minute could I ever doubt his love for me.

I debated a LOT about how much of my soul I should expose in such a public setting.

The truth is I have Depression.

No one wants to talk about Depression.

Those who have never had it or have a close loved one with it usually don't understand it.
Those who have it don't want others to know they have it.

I am not sure why I have to go through this experience, but what I know is that I am.

God is the potter. Through his hands He will make me the best piece of pottery that I can be. I don't know if He needs me to be a bowl, a vase, or something else. But He does. He knows. He knows all that I can be.

And he blesses me. Always.

2015 is come and almost gone.
2016 is knocking at the door.

It will be a great year too.
And God willing, another blessed one.

2 comments:

Yummybear said...

You are an amazing daughter of our Heavenly Father who loves you very much as I do. Love Maria Allen

Laurent M. Leclerc said...

Comme à chaque année... comme l'année dernière, j'ai lu avec grand intérêt et beaucoup d'émotions ta revue personnelle de l'année. Comme l'an passé cela m'a permis de découvrir avec plus d'acuité ton cheminement intérieur. Je suis tellement reconnaissant pourla bénédiction d'avoir une fille telle que toi. Je suis profondément touché par tes défis et par ta foi. Tu es mère, alors tu peux comprendre qu'on espère toujours vouloir éviter à nos enfants les peines, les difficultés. Le père que je suis ne réagis pas différemment. Ta dépression m'affecte parce que je n'aime pas voir mes enfants souffrir... parce que je me sens si impuissant, incapable de faire quoi que ce soit! Comme je voudrais pouvoir faire quelque chose pour toi.
Puisse l'année 2016 être une année de guérison, de joie et d'abondance.